For the longest time, I lived my life by “what will the neighbors think”.
I told my kids not to run down the stairs because the thudding would bother the neighbors, I didn’t want my dog to bark, because… the neighbors.
I put enormous pressure on myself to train my dog not to bark at the doorbell or the garage door opening. Whenever he would let out a bark, I would stress out. What will the neighbors think? Whatever we do let’s not bother the neighbors.
It was ridiculous.
Why?
Because, in trying to prevent my neighbors from getting mad at us, I got to be so high-strung that I got mad at my own family. I would tell off the kids: “I tóld you to put on slippers! How many times do I have to tell you? A bazillion? Go back up and come down normally!”.
I would then continue to internally tell myself off too for being a bad mom.
When my dog would bark, I would resent him for it, and then myself for resenting him. Do you know what that does to your relationship with your dog? Nothing good I tell you.
The funny thing is, I don’t want my kids running up and down the stairs like morons making it sound like there’s an earthquake going on. I do want to teach them there are other ways to plant your feet.
I don’t want my dog’s barking to get “out of control” but I also don’t mind him alerting me when the window washer climbs over the railing, or him “asking” me, “Hey, are you sure I can’t come with you?” with a couple of barks after I leave, if he’s quiet after that.
However, when I approach these situations from a place of curiosity I give myself space to react in a very different way. I am calmer and more rational.
I can choose a different tone of voice and can think of a better way to address my boys.
When I hear my dog bark, I can investigate the why of his barking. I can be more factual about how much is he barking and see if I really consider his barking problematic. Is it three barks or ten? Does it last a minute, or more or less? Is it continuous? Does it go on during the night? Can I look at his body language to figure out whether it is from stress, separation anxiety, or is he communicating a need to me?
You have no control over what another person thinks or feels about the situation. This week my downstairs neighbor drove the point home brilliantly.
He came up unexpectedly and knocked on the door. Rusty barked two salvos of woowoowoowoof. After an enthusiastic mutual greeting, the neighbor turned to me and said: “It’s so good he gives off a bark, he’s a great watchdog, I wish ours were more like that. Awwww, we sure do love that dog of yours.”
I nearly keeled over. These people live right below us. They hear it when Rusty barks. And they love him (to the point where they are considering getting a similar breed dog, as their current dog is already very senior).
I was assuming they would be annoyed by each and any bark. It was the story I told myself, and I was wrong.
Here’s the thing. If someone thinks kids are supposed to be rambunctious they’ll feel differently about hearing some thudding on the stairs, than if they think kids should be seen and not heard.
If they think dogs are supposed to bark they won’t take offense to some barking here and there.
How they feel about you is based on their thinking. Period.
How you feel depends on your thinking.
You have no control over how others think, nor can you know what they think.
You can’t know what their story is, so why not tell yourself a story that brings out the best in you.
In other words: Think what you want to think, and not what will the neighbors think.
